I saw it coming...

So today I basically lost my best friend of 20+ years...and while she does have some reason to be angry with me, I she's sort of the pot calling the kettle black here.

So she and I have been friends forever.  Since High School.  All of our children are within a year of each other agewise.  Throughout the years I have often taken care of her kids for her while she worked and other things.  I let a lot of her behavior towards her kids slide b/c she was my best friend, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.  When her older two were little, I used to cringe when she'd drag one of them by the hair to a corner and make them stand on their tip toes with their nose on an x on the wall.  She picked her son up by the hair once...he was about 4 or 5 years old.  She married a guy that at first I gave respect to because the older 2's dad took off and had nothing to do with them and he seemed to want to step in where he failed.  But as the kids got older, his temper became apparent.  One time he even screamed at my slightly autistic son b/c he peed on the seat a little...in front of me.  I was not having that.  Frequently he would get in the faces of her older 2, and would even hit them with belts or whatever he could get his hands on.  I stepped in on several occasions as I was around a lot.  In fact for about 2 years while she went to work at 2 jobs and went to school, I was there constantly making sure the kids got on the bus ok, making their breakfast, making sure homework got done, making supper, cleaning her home....meanwhile her husband would leave around the time they would be getting off the bus and wouldn't be back until just around the time she would get home.

Gradually their relationship started to go south, and she would stay in her bedroom pretty much all the time with the door locked...the kids would have to knock to talk to her...grant it she worked 3rd shift at the time, but to stay in your room from the time you get home until you have to leave for work b/c you're trying to avoid your husband is wrong.  Yes she was having some health issues along the way, but either way, the kids were left to deal with him on their own  a good share of the time.  Frequently the girls (they had a daughter together) would cry to me about how they never had any time with her.  Then the older girl got all boy crazy...

Eventually they got divorced, but she jumped into another relationship right away with a co-worker...was sort of seeing him already before she got divorced.  He would insult her kids and call them names...but she stayed with him for a little over a year.  She broke up with him when her high school boyfriend suddenly decided he wanted another chance.  He's not much of a winner either.  But he's not abusive physically, although he is a control freak.  But she is so focused on him that she still neglects what is going on in her kids' lives.

So then her 16 year old gets pregnant b/c she's constantly looking for someone to love her in the wrong places b/c she's never known what it's like to be loved the way a person should be.  Her youngest starts to see all the attention given to the older one b/c of the baby.  Suddenly my "friend' is attempting to be mother of the year.  After the baby is born, the girl tries to go back to her partying and sleeping around, had 3 more pregnancy scares and the baby wasn't even 6 months old yet.  She leaves the baby with whoever she wants for days at a time sometimes.  One time they had to search for almost an hour for the baby b/c whoever she left her with took off to another person's house and they had no idea where they were.  To give the girl credit where credit is due, she is still going to school and will actually graduate early...which I am proud of her for achieving.  But she now has plans to join the National Guard, however she's lazy, a tad bit over weight, and definitely not a strong swimmer.  I think looking for a way to dump her baby on her mom where it looks like she's trying to do good for herself...if not, let me eat my words....but based on past actions and the fact that she's a compulsive liar....

The ex husband lives in a trailer and has 5 dogs and 4 cats that he doesn't clean up after.  He has room mates that he always bitches about....and the whole trailer is nasty. If you kneel on the carpet, your knee will be wet when you stand up it's that nasty.  The dogs and cats piss and pee all over the house, including on the furniture. One dog is so overweight b/c he feeds them human food so he doesn't have to buy dog food, and I know he's diabetic and will more than likely die from a stroke, heart attack, or other diabetes complications.  One of the dogs, for a while when he was couch surfing after she kicked him out, I took in for him for nearly a year and a half.  I never saw any help with dog food, flea treatment, etc the whole time I had the dog. I've watched him nearly beat one of his cats to death years ago too.  He's just not someone who should own animals, or really be around children.

All this back ground is to give you an idea of what went on in these kids' lives.  Now let me tell you about my kids.  I have 3...my oldest has Asperger's Syndrome, my middle child is ADD, and my youngest is slightly gifted...they are respectful, they don't get into trouble, and they talk openly with me about lots of things...from drugs to sex.  NONE of my kids are sexually active and I can say that as a FACT!  They're not even thinking about it b/c they want a future!  They all want something better in life, something I couldn't give them b/c I had them young and had to give up a lot of things that would have given me a better chance...but I did it for them.  I have primarily been a Stay at home mom...and while some people might think that's just being lazy, there is nothing lazy about it.  I have even on occasion taken in other kids who have problems in their own families.  My oldest is in college and my other 2 are in high school now. Teachers have always raved about their behavior.  Their friends' parents have called me to see if they can come over b/c they think my kids are good influences on their kids.  I have not been a perfect parent...but I have always been available to my kids.  I have always talked to them about the choices they make in life and how they impact your future.  I have a good relationship with ALL of my kids.

So now to the issue...or what started it.

My middle child has a friend who her  youngest daughter had a huge thing for.  It was sort of obvious that the boy sort of liked her too.  They're less than 2 years apart agewise, but one is a sophomore and the other is still in middle school.  Originally both sets of parents were against them having anything to do with each other, but as time went on and my "friend's" daughter kept pushing the issue, eventually her dad gave him a chance...I was there when he got the text of her asking, and when he told her as long as her mom didn't have a problem.

So flash forward to last night.  Both of them stayed the night here, as her youngest and my youngest have always been close.  But apparently after everyone went to sleep, the girl initiated a make out session unbeknownst to me...(they were never alone in the same room up until this point EVER.  I made sure of it!)  Come to find out it went a little farther than it should have, but not all the way.  However she texted a friend of her dad's and told them they'd had sex...in MY BASEMENT.  Of course the person told her dad, and he showed up at my house, came into my living room, and screamed at this boy.  I come out of the kitchen asking what is going on, and when he told me I was incredulous.  I really didn't think they had done this.  After he picks her up and tells me she's never allowed at my house again, the boy does tell me what went on more or less...I didn't find out until I was allowed to read some texts they had sent back and forth that they had actually gotten undressed.  However the boy's response when she said she hoped she wouldn't get pregnant was "Did it go in all the way?"  I'm sorry, but any teen age boy is going to know if it went "all the way in" or not.  I am thinking there was some grinding going on, but nothing more...he also insinuates that she was on top of him and she came to him with this idea.  I have also heard her say that if she had a baby maybe she'd get attention like her sister does.

So anyway, my "friend" called the cops and had a rape test done.  I am assuming that by the fact that no cops have come to ask me about it that it was found that no penetration happened...but because of this, now my son's friend may not be allowed over here anymore....which is sad b/c he's pretty much the only friend my son has that does hang out with him away from school....and they might be moving to Louisiana which will make it even harder for them to hold their friendship.

Now I admit I was wrong in allowing them both to spend the night...but beings that my "friend" has had to deal with principals and police with her kids on several occasions, particularly for the teen mom BEFORE she was even a teenager) I don't see how what happened is all my fault.  I was asleep when all this occurred, as was the rest of the household.  She still works 3rd shift and so the girls are usually home along most nights.  I've seen them on facebook as late as 2 am on school nights.  There is no supervision in that house at night...I am almost ALWAYS home.  Am I wrong?

For years I've felt us going separate ways b/c I could not stand to watch how she would just ignore what is going on with her kids, and b/c it seemed like she just didn't want me around.  I know we will probably never be friends again after this.  I'll never see those kids that I practically raised again either.  That hurts more than losing her friendship, whatever was left of it.  I saw it coming...I just didn't know it would be so explosive.  I see her having another teenage parent in her near future...I just hope she at least makes it out of middle school first...and that is really sad.  I tried to steer her in other paths...told her if she needed to talk to someone to talk to me if she couldn't talk to her mom...and at times she did that.  And I would talk to her mom for her or at least convey how she was feeling when we'd talk about our kids on the rare occasions we did talk.  I'm angry that as much as I've done for her in the past, and she has never really reciprocated, that she can't even talk to me and try to hear my side of the story.  Grant it, I did do a NoNo and sort of opened a can of worms on Facebook, but I was vague and never used names...it was still wrong and i removed it after the initial hurt was over and I was able to calm down some.

Like I said, I'm not a perfect Mom...but I am a DAMN good one.  And a good friend...I hope she realizes that some day, what all I did for her and those kids.  And if she does, I;m not going to be around waiting.  I will move on.  I still have other friends that don't treat me as if I"m disposable and that know that I did everything I could while the two were here together to make sure they were never in a room alone...and I have witnesses, including the dad's own nephew, that heard him give his permission to his daughter to date the boy. I've done all I can to be a good friend to both of them, and to be there for their kids.  I wash my hands of the whole situation, and wish them luck.  They're going to need it.

Maturity

Maturity.  They say it come with age.  However,  I've recently learned that maturity is not something you get by getting older, but something you have to consciously strive for.  Recently I lost three people who I considered friends, but the way they handled it reminded me of something that would happen in a High School setting.   These women were all 5-7 years older than I am.  I respected their opinion.  I laughed with them.  I supported their fights against cancer....and they just more or less deleted me from their lives.  No warning.  Not even a mention that something was wrong.  Just basically "Fuck you, we're done".  It was like a bad break up.  I actually cried!  I'm used to people walking away from me, but at least most of the time I know why...My mother has spent most of my life walking away from me....I've lost friends before.  But for some reason this time was different.  I got a serious life lesson.  It also confirmed for me why I don't really have a whole lot of female friendships...we tend to be too judgmental, our jealousies tend to run too high in some areas....and quite frankly I find most women to be just mean, fake ass bitches....no offense to any women who might read this.

Seriously, think about it.  From the store clerk who is looking down your nose already assuming you have horrible taste to the woman at the gym who glares at you while she works out because you have bigger boobs.  How many times have you heard one of your friends say about someone else something along the lines of, "That dress she was wearing could have doubled as a circus tent" or "If she bleached her hair any blonder, you might be able to see through her head"...or anything degrading towards another member of their own sex....Maturity isn't age.  It's thinking of how your actions, words, and behavior will affect others or be perceived by others.  If you want to be considered a kind, generous person, then you have to LIVE like a kind, generous person.  It's all about practicing what you preach!.  Fake bitches be damned.....

Enough is really Enough sometimes...

Some people refer to me as "the little old lady who lives in a shoe"...mostly because when it comes to kids, I cannot make myself turn my back on them.  No matter how many times they screw up or disrespect me, I just give them chance after chance after chance.  Well I think I've hit my limit on one particular child.

To give some background, this now 15 year old has been living with me off and on for the last 3 years.  The first part of it someone else was "in charge" of him (if that was what it could truly be called, b/c it seemed the other way around a good share of the time)...but the last 8 months or so it's just been him.  At first things were ok.  He listened, obeyed the rules, didn't get mouthy.  But now, he's been associating with the person who lived here with him before and I'm seeing remnants of that personality coming out in him now too.  He's constantly hogging my kids' game systems, on any computer that is open to him in the house (everyone has their own lap top), and every other word out of his mouth is "fuck this, fuck that, that stupid mother fucker, etc etc etc."  Having once been a teenager myself, I know kids curse behind their parents' backs.  I really don't censor my kids much...if they're going to say it nothing I say or do will change that, so I'm not a big punisher when it comes to the swearing...but this gets out of hand a good share of the time.  He argues with everyone, and the disrespect has gotten so bad that I've told him he has to leave.  

Now I don't really want to kick him out.....not really.  I just want him to show some respect.  We've been good to him.  He's never gone without food or anything else he needs.  His  parents never gave me a dime towards him, so I've been supporting him more or less for 3 years now...I have my own 3 kids...I can't have one kid disrespecting me and showing my kids they can walk all over me too.  So it's either he's gonna show some respect, or there's the door.  Already packed all of his stuff up and locked the doors so he has to knock to come in....he'll have a choice...drop the attitude and show some respect, or time to go back to Mommy, which is NOT a good situation.  Crackhead, always chooses her men over her kids...yeah but he wants to disrespect my household...I don't think so.  He  had it good here....he screwed it up big time.

Finding my confidence

In my 36 years, I've learned lots of lessons.  They haven't always been easy ones...but I managed.  Somehow, I always get back on my feet and get something out of every situation.  I had wonderful teachers in regards to what NOT to do, but not so great ones in the DO category.  I more or less figured it out as I went.

So what have I learned?  Good question!

• I've learned that you cannot force someone to be a part of your life.  They either will or they won't, and if they won't then maybe you're better off.
• I've learned that the people you count on the most can let you down time and time again, and  you'll still love them
• I've learned that to be a good parent, you must always put the children first, but not sacrifice your own happiness.
• I've learned that one person can make a difference in someone's life, even though they may not realize it until later on just how much of a difference it was. 
• I've learned to trust cautiously, speak truthfully, and to always stay true to myself.
• I've learned there are worse things in the world than being a single parent who's parenting cohort cannot be bothered to do their share.
• I've learned that you can't help someone fix themselves unless they really want fixed, and even then you're powerless.

There is so much more that I have learned, and over time I hope to share all of it with people, as well as maybe help others who feel like I once did.  Maybe in the process, I'll help myself too.  There was a time when I thought there was something wrong with me...I didn't know why my mother didn't seem to want me or why it felt like I was alone.  I threw myself into my kids' lives and forgot to have one of my own.  And still, I struggle to achieve just that...my life.  There is so much I wanted to do, so much I wanted to see...but they came first.  They're getting older now.  Soon my oldest will be graduating from High School.  If all I have when they're grown is an empty nest, that could very well be disaster.

I know I'm not alone.  There are others out there who haven't had to deal with the things I have, but still struggle with finding their niche in this world.  For a while, I thought it was writing.  I still hope to one day write a book that is read by thousands, or more!  Then I wanted to get into Broadcasting. I was going to direct or produce...something...ANYTHING!  I even thought of ideas from books that I had read.  Recently, and if I admit it to myself it's been true for most of my life, I find myself wanting to help kids in bad situations find the tools to not only deal, but overcome the obstacles in their paths.  I want to show them and others that just because you had a rough life doesn't mean you're doomed to fail at everything!  My greatest success are my kids!  I have three TEENAGERS that most people tell me on a regular basis they'd like to clone!  If I can do that, despite all the ups and downs we had in their younger years, then I can do anything, right?